Monday, April 07, 2008

A Sneak Preview of the Coming Issue

One of our favorite features in Gottesdienst is the parody page. Some boardroom prompting has encouraged this posting of the one which will appear in our next issue. To subscribe, log on at right away, and the next issue will be in your hands before you know it.

On Holy Tuesday, 2008, the Missouri Synod’s popular and unabashedly confessional Issues, Etc. radio program was suddenly cancelled without explanation. We have no idea what might have brought that on . . .

FADE FROM BLACK: Int. of Don Kieschneone’s home office. Daytime. Pull back from Daily Bible Passages for Success or Manipulation open at Monday, March 17, 2008. The word Holy of Holy Monday has been crossed out and Roman tendency scrawled in with an explanation point.

BONHOWERASERA (seated in front of the Don’s desk, facing the camera): I believe in the Missouri Synod. The Missouri Synod has made my fortune. And I raised my little congregation in the Missouri Synod fashion. I gave her Ablaze! but –I taught her never to dishonor her Synod. She started listening to Issues, Etc., the most popular program on the Synod’s KFUO Radio Station. She listened often. I didn’t protest. But they started telling her things that were not of the same spirit as Ablaze! and they made her drink confessional Lutheranism. And then they tried to take advantage of her, told her what was wrong with Willow Creek, Lakewood Church, and Saddleback Church. They castigated the Purpose Driven Church movement. She resisted. She kept her honor. So they beat her, like an animal, with doctrine and liturgy. When I went to the hospital, her nose was a’broken. Her jaw was a’shattered, held together by wire. She couldn’t even weep because of the pain. But I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life – beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again. [Bonhowerasera breaks down. The Don gestures to Meierson to give Bonhowerasera a drink] Sorry... [Bonhowerasera, taking the drink, sips from the shot glass] I – I went directly to the radio station, like a good a Missouri Synod Lutheran. They told me they would handle it. Nothing was done. Nothing! Issues, Etc. continues to this very day! I look like a fool. And they smile at me. So I say to my wife, “for justice, we must go to Don Kieschnieone.”

VITO KIESCHNEONE (sitting behind his desk, petting a gerbil): Why did you go to KFUO? Why didn’t you come to me first?

BONHOWERASERA: What do you want of me? Tell me anything. But do what I beg you to do.

VITO KIESCHNEONE: What is that? [Bonhowerasera gets up to whisper his request into Don Kieschneone’s ear] That I cannot do.

BONHOWERASERA: I’ll give you anything you ask.

VITO KIESCHNEONE: We’ve known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time that you invited me to give a testimony at your coffee shop evangelpalooza, even though my wife preached at the youth gathering with your only child in attendance and taught her to make a decision for Jesus. But let’s be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.

BONHOWERASERA: I didn’t want to get into trouble.

VITO KIESCHNEONE: I understand. You found paradise in The Missouri Synod, had a good trade, made a good living. The Synodical structure protected you; and there are proper avenues to follow, Matthew 18, the By-Laws, and so forth. And you didn’t need a friend of me. But uh, now you come to me and you say – “Don Kieschneone give me justice.” – But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me President, Ecclesiastical Supervisor. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you uh ask me to destroy the radio station, for money.

BONHOWERASERA: I ask you for justice.

VITO KIESCHNEONE: That is not justice; your congregation is still alive. Issues, Etc. didn’t wake that many up.

BONHOWERASERA: Then they can suffer, as she suffers. (then) How much shall I pay you?

VITO KIESCHNEONE (stands, turning his back toward Bonhowerasera): Bonhowerasera... Bonhowerasera... What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your congregation would be suffering this very day. And that by chance if an honest man such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.

BONHOWERASERA: Be my friend – (then, after bowing and the Don shrugs) – Mr. President, Grand Poobah, Visonary Extradorinaire, Our Beloved Leader?

VITO KIESCHNEONE (after Bonhowerasera kisses his hand): Good. (then) Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day –accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.

BONHOWERASERA (as he leaves the room): Grazie, Mr. President, Chief Executive Officer, Supervisor of Supevisors, Chairman Par Excellance, the Vicar of . . .

VITO KIESCHNEONE: Enough. Prego. (then, to Bill Diekelmione, after Bonhowerasera leaves the room) Ah, give this to ah, Strandza. I want reliable people; people that aren’t gonna be carried away. I’m mean, we’re not murderers, despite of what this Church Growth fanatic says.


Anastasia Theodoridis said...

My crystal ball says this issue will be a best seller.

Madame Anastasia

Jane said...

Wow. Glad I mailed my renewal check today. :)

Pr. Lehmann said...


No abstentions.

That's the word from my DP.

The reason it doesn't say unanimous is that not all DPs were present.